21st October 2015 has been a day I’ve been looking forward to for years. I’m an 80s girl and every 80s girl knows this is the day Marty McFly arrived in the future. Back to the Future is my all time favourite film (trilogy) but today I looked for Doc in the DeLorean and he didn’t show up to take me back in time.
Little Stevies burial was today. The graveyard is just at the top of my road so we walked up and as soon as we got there the hearse arrived and it was so sad. Her tiny little coffin just looked lost in the back. She’s too little for a coffin!
I asked the funeral director if I could carry the coffin. When we originally arranged the funeral I said I just wanted to leave them to it but I changed my mind. It’s my job to carry my baby. I wanted to do it on my own. It felt right that I’m the last person to carry her. It’s one thing that I would actually advise mothers going through this to do!
They lowered her into the grave, they asked if we wanted to do it but I let them do that part, I’d be scared of doing it wrong! I felt a bit weird taking photos but I thought I want to tell Ollie about Stevie when he’s older and I think my friends and family might like to see what happened.
We played My Girl and then put some soil on her little grave and the funeral directors left. They left us on our own for a little while. I left some red and pink flowers for her. We stayed and just talked about her, I told Ollie that I’ll tell him all about his little sister one day and then we walked home.
When this happened, one of the first thoughts I had was that this doesn’t happen to anybody. Nobody has second trimester miscarriages. But they do. Everybody knows somebody that’s lost a baby. Even if you don’t know about it. This whole area of the graveyard is for babies!
You’re not alone.
A miscarriage will never really be over. It is kind of nice knowing she’s laid to rest now but burying her doesn’t bury the miscarriage. I’ve still got my blood tests, post Mortem results, due date and every year her little birthday.
I’ll never forget but I think I’m quite good at coping with my life and Im just trying to think about all the things I have got to be happy about. I’ve nearly finished planning our wedding already!