Ollie had his first trip to London on Sunday! Whenever I went to London pre motherhood I had two rules: No coat and no luggage! I take a backpack and a jacket! London is always hot to me. I always just travel by tube because it’s so easy so I really don’t need a coat or any baggage, I need to just fit in gaps! How mothers get round London day to day… You must be pro baby wearers! That’s the only way I’d do it every day. There are about 3 (ok slight exaggeration) tube stations with a lift so we did this… Continue reading Oliver! Oliver!
The other day I posted about Gender Old Wives Tales and how it’s all rubbish because the chances are 50/50.
I said that I had no feelings either way and the reason I had no feeling was because I didn’t secretly want a boy or a girl. I just wanted a heartbeat.
When moms have strong feelings towards a certain gender I think it’s just because that’s what they secretly want. (Or because they have a strong scientific reason to believe either way.)
My baby didn’t have a heartbeat.
I went into the room and when my baby came up on the screen he said, “have you had any bleeding during this pregnancy?” I said no. He said, “have you taken any medication?” I said no. I knew why he was asking because I know where the heartbeat should be! I said there’s no heartbeat is there? And he said he can’t find one and he had to get a second opinion.
I was just saying, “it’s not moving! Ollie was doing backflips!” Nothing was going on. It was just still. Ollie wouldn’t sit still he was a crazy baby.
I’m 21 weeks this time. Why has this happened to me? They said its measuring about 16 weeks but I said that’s wrong. I saw my midwife when I was nearly 17 weeks and everything was fine. Baby was 157bpm and kicking around. So I know it’s at least 17 weeks if not more. They said they can’t always get an accurate measure when it’s still as it curls up and can start to shrink. I think I’m at least 20 weeks. I haven’t had any cramps or anything. Surely my body would have reacted if I’ve had a dead baby in me for 3-4 weeks!
The only weird thing that’s happened to me and made me worry was I scoffed a big bag of chocolate earlier this week and I’ve been completely off chocolate and I did wonder why I suddenly felt like eating so much chocolate but didn’t think it was worth getting worked up over.
So now I have a fully formed dead baby in me and the safest option ‘for my life’ as they put it is… To give birth to it. Why do I have to give birth. Giving birth is for getting babies. I’m just going to go through all that for nothing.
I said I wanted surgery but they said its really not safe for me. They said they will do it if I want but it would risk my life. Great. Who would have thought risk dying or give birth would be something I’d ever consider? I’m actually leaning towards risk my life, I don’t want to give birth. I’m not scared of labour and I’m good with pain but this is just pain for nothing. Ollies little face and my engagement ring makes me want to stay alive.
They said they can’t do a C-section because the baby is too small so they’d have to make an another incision, not my c-section scar and I’d be at very high risk of uterine rupture and future pregnancies would not be safe.
And it’s too big for vaginal surgery where they basically vacuum it out! She said they’d have to break the baby up to get it out. Pretty grim to think about really.
I just really don’t want to give birth to it. It’s not worth it. All the drama with Ollie was worth it and I’d do it all again to get him but what’s the point in this really?
I’m going back to hospital today for the nightmare to begin. I’ll keep writing as it’s the only thing that chills me out and helps me make sense of everything.
If you’ve been following me for a while you might remember my Q1, Q2 and Q3 reports. Well, it’s the end of Q4 on Friday aka Ollie’s birthday so I’m publishing this one slightly early as I’m sure I’ll have lots more to write about Ollie’s birthday.
The Q4 Report.
Oliver has had a varied performance in Q4. He took his first steps and ticked all the boxes for his 10 month Health Visitor review. He is a very clever little boy.
However, we have experienced some performance issues surrounding food. Oliver has discovered cake. He really loves cake. This means he cries when cake has all gone and we even had a public performance when he was at the shops with his Nanny. He is always a really good boy when he goes out but he had a public strop in the supermarket. He started screaming and my Mom didn’t know why and when she looked around, Ollie had spotted… Cake! She gave him some cake and he stopped crying. We need to work on our emotions and dealing with cake Oliver.
Oliver has a good understanding of a few words now. He can say Momma, Dadda, Nanna, Boo! He understands what I’m saying to him and when I say, “No Ollie!” He shakes his head. He understands when I say, “Have you done wee wee/ poo poo?” (Part of my potty training technique… Watch this space trolls!) He also smiles when I say, “I Love you!” He lies on me if I say, “Cuddles!” And one of the cutest, funniest things he does is, “Funny face!” I do funny faces and say funny face at the same time so he’s started copying me which basically means he closing his eyes, that’s his funny face but he’s so cute.
Oliver is a chunky little monkey! He loves his food and is wearing 12-18 month clothes now. He is getting tall too! However, he still looks far too little to walk!
He has lots of teeth coming in now, 4 on top and almost 4 on the bottom.
Oliver also has really long hair. He needs to have it cut really!
Health and Safety Analysis.
No illnesses to report this quarter so thats good. I think I’ve calmed down a little on being a psycho mom taking him to the doctors if he coughs. The only thing I get really concerned about is random spots popping up but they usually go away the next day.
Oliver brushes his own teeth now and he is aware of the importance of dental hygiene and will be going to the dentist soon.
Babies temporarily get cheaper in the final quarter. He is eating three meals a day now but mostly eats our kind of food so sandwiches, potato, pasta, vegetables etc. So I’m buying much less baby food and because he eats more he drinks less baby milk so a tub lasts much longer. He has a bottle in the morning and before bed and then water, small bottles of milk or juice for drinks during the day. He’ll be moving onto normal milk soon so it will be even cheaper!
July 2014 – July 2015 has been the best 12 months of my life. Oliver, you are a perfect little person. Everybody loves you. You make every day better. Even strangers look at you and just have to smile you are so lovable. I know every mom thinks their baby is clever but you really are clever Ollie. You are only 1 and you can do so much! You can walk and you can swim. You can put blocks on your toy train and put toys in the right places, like the little helter skelter, you know to put the ball on there! You understand words and you have really good motor skills. You can pick up crumbs which might not sound like a big deal but you’ve been doing it for a while! You wave, clap, high five, feed yourself and your newest trick you’ve learnt with Daddy is ET phone home! You point your finger on his finger.
Basically Ollie, there is nothing wrong with you! Happy Birthday perfect little boy. Xx