When I wrote about First Trimester miscarriage it got quite long and detailed. I will write about it all eventually but I’m going to write it for women going through it to try and help so this is just going to be an overview to keep my friends and family updated. I’ll try not to be too graphic.
So my last blog update was going into hospital. It’s now Monday night and I’m not pregnant anymore. 😔
I came in on Sunday afternoon. As expected, pills do not work on me so I spent the best part of 24 hours being drugged to cover the pain. I said I don’t want to feel a thing.
I had another pill to try and put me into labour when I arrived on Sunday. Normal women are allowed a dose every 3 hours but it’s every 6 for me because of my section they said it will put too much pressure on my uterus. About 5pm on Sunday I started getting really bad cramps. I told the midwife it’s just not worth it, there’s no point feeling anything. So she hooked me up to Gas & Air and the anethesist came to see me and hooked me up to morphine.
I felt like I looked like a dead dog when he hooked me up! I just flopped over to the side and chilled out.
It certainly did the trick! I managed to sleep pretty well just getting woken up for my pill every 6 hours. My blood pressure dropped which is weird for me! It was high with Ollie but otherwise it’s normal. So I was hooked up to a drip.
Trust me, not happy with just one tube!
The next day I was just really dopey. I think all the morphine had kicked in. It’s patient controlled so I just kept pumping it in, like I said there’s no point feeling anything!
Around about 3pm I felt desperate for the toilet but just like I needed to wee out a lump. It was so uncomfortable! I didn’t want to relax because I was scared the baby would drop out but I just felt like I wanted to do a wee. Scared to wee, whatever next!
When the midwife came in she said it sounded like my waters were bulging so I instantly felt like I knew what to do! I remember Ollies waters exploding and I didn’t care because I was high on Gas & Air so even though I was drugged to the eyeballs on morphine my logic was saying gas & air will help my waters pop and I’ll be fine.
So after about 10 minutes crying because it was too uncomfortable to stand up off the toilet and walk to the bed… I finally made it to the bed and just went high on gas & air. I felt drunk and giggly! Dave was here for all this bit too so he always makes me laugh! Yes, even in this type of situation we’ll find a joke.
This is where I need to not get too detailed but I will definitely write details in another post to help other women.
It was all over. My waters popped and then that was it. I couldn’t believe it. I genuinely felt no pain. Just discomfort before the gas & air. I was glad because I told them I didn’t want to feel a thing.
I didn’t see the baby. My mom did and her and the midwife said its best if I don’t see.
They couldn’t tell if it’s a boy or girl. They said a post Mortem would be able to tell but I don’t really see the benefit. It will make no difference. (Well apart from debunking hocus pocus myths!)
We have called the baby Stevie. Me and my mom had a good chat during our little hospital sleepover and she was telling me all about my Nan’s baby that died neo natal (about 1 day old) she would’ve been my moms older sister and her name was Stephanie. So it’s Stevie, short for Stephanie if it was a girl. And if it was a boy he would’ve been an Arrow superhero like his big brother Ollie (yes we named him after Oliver Queen) so it’s Stephen after Stephen Amell the actor that plays Oliver Queen.
Little Stevie was teeny tiny! The midwife gave us this special little remembrance book with a little certificate and the best part, Stevies tiny little hand and foot prints.
I feel oddly relieved now that it’s over but I just keep thinking, why did my baby have to die? I really wanted another little baby. I’ll never forget my little one. I don’t know if I’ll even have another baby after all this. Now I just want tests done to see if there is an answer for why this had to happen.
Thank you to everyone that has been so nice over the past few days. I haven’t replied to everyone’s messages and comments but I appreciate all of them.
I’m still full of morphine so I’m off for a good long sleep! I’m still in hospital but should be home tomorrow.