For a long time now I’ve said sometimes I think people choose to be sad. I know that might sound a bit harsh, nobody chooses to have a relative die, lose their job, go through a break-up or have a miscarriage. I’m not suggesting that there is a choice over uncontrollable events but what I am saying is there most definitely is a choice when it comes to how you choose to deal with it and move on with your life.
We go through events that we will never simply ‘get over’ but we do, in time learn to deal with our new version of our life. That might be life without grandparents, as a single person, not being pregnant or whatever it might be. I wouldn’t say I’m ‘over’ my Nan dying and she died in 2012. However, I wouldn’t say I’m still sad about it either. I still avoid driving past her house, she had lived their since it was built and I hate the thought of someone else living there but I don’t sit at work inconsolable at the thought of somebody living in her house. That’s the difference.
I can say 100% that I’ll never ‘get over’ my miscarriages, I’ll always think of little Baby Tutu and Stevie but I will make a choice to not sit around crying all day. I feel like crying sometimes and sometimes I do cry, it is not good to bottle anything up!
I know there are many things coming up in the future that will make me cry but I can either never move on because horrible things have happened or I can make a choice to prepare myself for the sadness of the burial, the results of the post mortem, the anniversary of baby Tutu and the due date of baby Stevie… but in the meantime I can try and be relatively normal and focus on happy things. Not because I don’t care anymore but because I know that I will not achieve anything by being an emotional wreck, I can’t control what happened but I can control how I deal with myself.
Nobody would think it was weird if I sat around in my pyjamas crying for a month but am I actually going to feel any better for it? I don’t think I will.
First of all, I’ve got little Ollie. I smile a lot because of Ollie, he is just too cute. I feel nasty sometimes saying Ollie gets me through the days because Dave and my Mom are always there for me and all my other lovely family and friends. But Ollie is my baby. My reminder that I do have a baby, how much worse would all this be if they were my first pregnancies? So yes it is helpful when people are there for me but nobody else is my baby. I am a mom. That’s something that hasn’t changed. I expected to be a mom to somebody else but for now it’s just all about Ollie!
The ‘positive’ (doesn’t seem right to use that word) aspects of my miscarriages are; I can get pregnant – I have no fertility issues, my c-section scar didn’t cause any issues – my midwife said getting to 21 weeks would have put pressure on it if there was going to be any pressure, I can labour and give birth after a section which is a concern for a lot of women but I’ve shown that I can do it despite all my c-section drama so fingers crossed for a normal birth if I get pregnant again. (Water birth with just gas and air! My dream birth plan.)
Obviously it has been advised that I let my hormones settle down before getting pregnant again so I’m making a choice to not be sad about the wait but instead be happy about planning my wedding. We were planning late 2016/ early 2017 but now I’m thinking… Spring 2016! One way to make me take my pill isn’t it, give me a dress and a deadline. Then after the wedding I’ll come off the pill and just see what happens. (This plan is dependent on the results of the post mortem, I might not get pregnant again.)
So now I’ve got the burial to sort out and then 12 weeks later I’ll have the results of the post mortem. To be honest, the worst thing they could tell me is there’s nothing wrong with me or the baby. I’d just be too scared to get pregnant again. If they say there was an abnormality with the baby, it won’t be good for me but it means there is a reason and I can be hopeful that my next baby won’t develop the same problem. If they say there is something wrong with me then hopefully it can either be controlled or it was just a one-off problem that is unlikely to happen again.
While I’m waiting for the results I’m going to choose to focus on happy things, I don’t want anyone to read this and assume that I’m ok, I don’t know when I’ll be ok again. I don’t know when I’ll feel ‘normal’ again but I do know that I’m not going to choose to focus on my sad events. I’ll create a little memorial for Stevie so I can tell Ollie all about it when he’s older and so that I just have a little something that can help me process everything.
As my nephew once said, “Sometimes in life, you’ve just gotta get on with things.” There’s always a choice.