Dancing for Stevie.

Next week, 9th – 15th October is Baby Loss Awareness week.  As an amateur ballerina and #misCOURAGE momma, the Tommy’s danceathon is the perfect fundraising event for me and Ollie!  I’ve written about my experience to share with Baby Ballet where we go to class and Tommy’s, the miscarriage charity.  This is why we’re taking part in the Danceathon… 

In July 2014 I had a beautiful baby boy called Oliver. He was 2 weeks overdue but worth the wait! I loved being pregnant, I found it so easy and any ache I had was worth it because my little boy was growing strong!

Despite having a dramatic birth, emergency c-section and post surgery infection, I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again. I wasn’t scared of pregnancy or put off in anyway.

Only a few months later I suspected I was pregnant again. I’d gone back on the pill but must have been extra fertile. I was excited! I’d have Irish twins, two babies born within 12 months. I thought they’d be best mates!

It wasn’t long before my hopes of Irish twins were destroyed. I hadn’t been to the doctors to confirm my pregnancy but one morning I had a spot of blood and I mean a spot! It was barely noticeable. I went to the doctors and he said it was probably nothing to worry about as it was such a small amount of blood. He sent me to EPAU for a scan anyway.

The next day I went for a scan and I just expected it to be over. She said, “It’s bad news I’m afraid. There’s no heartbeat and it’s measuring around 10 weeks so should be clear.”

It was so surreal because I hadn’t confirmed a pregnancy but now I’d lost a baby. I just felt empty.

A couple of days later I went to hospital and had to ‘give birth’. Honestly the pain was worse than labour with Ollie. I think it was mostly psychological because with Ollie the pain was worth it, this wasn’t. It took a few doses for the pills to work, they said 6 hours for it to be over. It took 26 hours. I gave birth into a toilet pan to a tiny little foetus and then woke up in a puddle of blood and it was all over. It was my birthday as well!

I named my baby Baby Tutu, because it was baby number two and I thought it was a girl because it was a completely different pregnancy to Ollie. I had sickness and craved cheese! I love dancing so she would’ve been a little ballerina.

It took a while for me to fully recover. I had ovarian cysts and bled for a long time. I decided that if I was pregnant before my due date then I’d be ok and be able to move on from it.

It would’ve been due June 2015. Around May 2015 I thought I might be pregnant again, I did a test and it was positive. I didn’t waste anytime, I went straight to the doctors, I was scared but I wanted a scan!

It was confirmed and I was sent a date for my 12 week scan. I was so scared but went along and there on the screen I saw the little heartbeat. I couldn’t believe it!

I thought I was safe now. I could start telling people the good news! We had just got engaged as well so everything was going well for us!

I had my booking appointment with my midwife and everything was fine, then I had my 16 week check and a healthy little 158bpm heartbeat. So I was looking forward to finding out if it was a boy or girl at my 20 week scan.

My mom and Ollie came me and my husband so we could all find out if it was a little brother or sister… It wasn’t anything. It was silent. The screen was still.

“Have you had any bleeding during this pregnancy?” No I answered. “Have you taken any medication?” I said, “No, it’s not moving its not moving! Ollie was bouncing all over the place!”

He went to get a colleague to confirm but I already knew. There was no heartbeat. Just like that my baby was dead. I’d had no bleeding, no cramps, no signs!

I couldn’t believe it. They took me off to a stupid quiet room. Can you believe it, this was on my sisters birthday!

Somebody came to discuss my options and I said I wanted surgery, I didn’t want to give birth. I didn’t want to feel anything!

They said that it wasn’t safe. Firstly because of my c-section and they said the baby would be too big to remove surgically vaginally without “breaking it up”. For my safety, I had to give birth.

I really didn’t want to. I was saying what is the point if I’m not having a baby. They insisted that I agree as I now had a ‘foreign body’ in me and could become infected. So I went back a few days later but told them I want to be drugged up so that I do not feel a thing.

My mom came with me and my husband went to work for me (I ran a bar!) Again, it took ages for the pills to work. I went in around lunchtime on the Sunday and my baby was born around 4pm on the following Monday. My husband was there for the birth. I was full of morphine so I didn’t feel any psychical pain, just pressure. When it was all over I couldn’t believe how quick it was!

They advised me not to look at my baby but my mom did. They couldn’t tell if it was a girl or boy at the time so I named my baby Stevie. Stephanie or Stephen!

Some time later after the post Mortem, we found out that Stevie was a girl so ‘My Girl’ is her song and we played it at her little funeral.

It was heartbreaking but there were two things that kept me sane throughout the whole experience of 1st and 2nd trimester miscarriage.

First of all, my Ollie. He makes me smile everyday! I don’t agree that miscarriage is easier if you already have a baby, in some ways it’s harder because you know exactly what you’re missing out on.

Secondly, dancing! I love going to ballet class. One of my mottos in life is, “Got to keep on dancing!” and when I was pregnant with Stevie I dropped out of the ballet show, I was so glad when my teacher let me back in! Our show was just before my due date and our scene was ‘In Mourning’ so I like to think I danced for Stevie. Keep on dancing means you’ve got to keep on going in life!

(More on that here)

When I found out about the Tommys Danceathon I had to sign up. I really hope Ollie enjoys his baby ballet classes so that in October we can dance for Ollie’s little ballerina sisters that never made it to ballet class.

We’ve already got one little badge for our fundraising, please help us raise more.  It would be so special if Ollie was the top fundraiser!

Our fundraising page is here!