First Trimester Miscarriage.

I wrote this on Monday 22nd December 2014 and decided I’d wait until after Christmas to post it. About two weeks later I still want to share my story, this is a long one so click away if you’re not really interested in my long, personal story…

I’ve been debating whether to write this blog or not. I thought back to when Ollie was born and how I let horrible negative people get to me with their nasty comments about Ollie and me. One idiot said I shouldn’t post pictures of Ollie because “some people might not be able to have babies or might have miscarried.” That idiot has never met me and knows nothing about me another than what she was told by another negative girl that thought I was a crap mom because I took pictures of Ollie. Who are these people to think that they can dictate what I, or anyone else should write or post on MY wall or blog? Are people seriously that self absorbed to think the world revolves around their point of view? There was a variety of insecure women that criticised me at the time. One said I was lying about some things I’d written about Ollie’s development, I think I know best! Another person implied that I was lying about not having morning sickness. Just general insecure, nasty comments that were completely uncalled for. I wish I never let them bother me but they did. You’ve got to ask, why are they reading about my entire life in a week by week format if I’m so awful? Clearly, these women found my life very interesting. After what I’ve been through this week I wanted to write this blog to get this message across to all mothers… BE PROUD OF YOUR BABIES! Do not let jealous hateful people put you down. Just cut them out of your life because they enjoy destroying other people’s happiness because their life doesn’t match up. Why should you not post pictures of your baby? If you’re hiding your baby from Facebook because some people might not like it, I’d be seriously assessing your ‘friends’ list. If anyone reading this is my Facebook friend and gets bored of Ollie updates, please take the time to Unfriend me because to me a friend isn’t somebody who is inconvenienced by the happiest aspect of my life.

This week, I found out that I’ve had a miscarriage. Since finding out three of my Facebook friends have posted scan pictures of their happy pregnancies. If you are one of those people, do NOT feel guilty. It is not your fault I’ve had a miscarriage. I’m happy for you and I’m sure I liked the scan pictures! These pathetic people that say don’t do X,Y OR Z because it might upset somebody really need to butt out and concentrate on their own lives. Whatever next, don’t post pictures of your keys when your mortgage is finalised because some people rent or live on the council? Don’t post wedding pictures because some people might have just broken up? Don’t Instagram your posh dinner because some people might only be able to afford Iceland ready meals? Again, they’re not friends if they can’t be happy for you.

Yes, ok some people are ‘acquaintances’ but secure acquaintances will not mind seeing good things happen to you. I’ve deleted a few ‘acquaintances’ over the past couple of weeks for a few reasons. Some people have revealed themselves to not be friends, I misjudged their perception of me and that’s fine. We’re not friends or acquaintances, no problem have a nice life. Also, I realised that some people just don’t like me, I can tell by tone when they reply to comments or just ignoring me is another sign, I thought to myself, yes they’re negative to my life because they annoy me when I’m online and can clearly see they’ve read my messages but choose to be ignorant but I realised… I’m negative to their life too! I don’t want to be anyone’s popcorn person that logs onto Facebook to see if I’ve uploaded anything to take the piss out of. As entertaining as it was, I’ve deleted my popcorn people because I don’t want to be laughing at someone else’s life. Ok, it might be an ego boost because seeing someone fail at things you find easy does make you think, I kick ass! But just because one person might be failing at something, it doesn’t make my successes any greater. I am a good mom, I can cope with working and having a baby. Seeing someone constantly moaning about being pregnant or having a baby doesn’t increase my ability to cope.

It’s stupid to think we need to shield happy events just incase someone chooses to take offence. if you know anyone that has said similar things to you they are jealous, insecure people that cannot be happy for anyone else. If somebody can’t cope with your happiness, that’s not your issue to deal with. I’ll give another example of this, she’ll know it’s her when she reads it but I hope she doesn’t mind because it helps make the point. One of my friends recently got married and received a lot of criticism for wearing her glasses despite always wearing glasses! I didn’t comment at the time because as you can tell, I have quite a lot to say on the subject and it kinda swamps a Facebook status. I meant to ask her actually but I bet the girls that said that are single or consider themselves to be very good looking or have been with their boyfriends longer than she was with hers. So what was actually going through their minds was, “How did she get married before me?” But you can’t say that and highlight how insecure you are about your boyfriend of five years still not proposing so they look for anything that they can find to criticise.

I coped well with my pregnancy and labour so seeing me happy and not moaning when the women that criticised me were constantly whinging throughout their pregnancy, I don’t agree with your childish behaviour but I understand that there was nothing to slag me off about so you used my photo uploads as an excuse to vent. I forgive you sad women because I feel sorry for you. The best part is if one of them reads this you really can’t say anything because it will prove you’re the people that updated your status purely to criticise me. There were a few women involved too so if you’re self absorbed enough to assume it’s you, thanks for admitting how horrible and insecure you are, feel free to apologise. I won’t keep going on about these nasty women, they will not feature in anymore blogs but what they said to me when Ollie was born inspired me to share this story and it helps to make my point!

So, onto this weeks sad story. A couple of weeks ago I thought I was pregnant. I did a test and it was positive! Even though Ollie is only 5 months I was really happy and looking forward to him having a little friend. Then earlier this week I had some really light spot bleeding, it was hardly anything it was more like stained discharge than blood. Only when I wiped, not even down the toilet. I knew this was something I couldn’t ignore so I went to the doctors, he confirmed I was pregnant and pressed my belly for where it would hurt if it was ectopic. It didn’t hurt and because there wasn’t a lot of blood he wasn’t overly concerned but booked me in for a scan with EPAU (Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit) on Thursday 18th just to make sure. I was trying to be hopeful but I knew something wasn’t right, I’d said to Dave a couple of days earlier that I had a weird smell down there. I just knew it wasn’t right but really hoped it would be ok. I don’t know why but as soon as I got in the scan room I knew it was going to be bad and the first thing she said to me is, “We are testing for miscarriage.” I don’t know why but I just lost all hope then. She scanned me and just said, “I’m really sorry but it’s bad news.” There was no heartbeat and was measuring around IMG_365610-11 weeks so it should have been clear. I thought I was about 10 weeks so it had literally just died probably when I had the bleed. She asked if I wanted to look and I said yes. I could just see my little baby just still on the bottom of the screen. Ollie was bouncing all over the place. I wanted a little picture. I’ve called it Baby Tutu because it’s baby number two and I was craving cheese and there’s an old wives tale that says protein for boys, dairy for girls. Ollie loved chicken so if this was a girl she would have been a ballerina.

After the scan they said I should go home and think about what I want to do. I can either leave it and it will come out on its own. Take a pill to force me to contract. Or have surgery to remove the baby. Surgery has a long waiting list and is under General Aesthetic so it’s not the best option. I didn’t like the thought of it just happening anytime in the next 2-4 weeks so I rang up the next day and said I want the pill. They booked me in for the Saturday. I worked Friday night and was having some mild cramps and headaches. When I got home I just cried. The cramps weren’t really painful but I was sad that my body was starting the process to get rid of my baby. I woke up and just didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew it was the best option so I went back to the hospital, they took my blood and then put me in my own room and I had to wait ages to see a doctor.

A few hours later I had the horrible vaginal pill. They told me to stay lying down for at least an hour, I might start feeling cramps and then it will start to pass. They told me to use a bedpan so they could test what passes and see if there are any more serious problems. I swear my body doesn’t absorb pills normally. (I was back on the pill when I got pregnant.) Nothing happened for 5 hours not one cramp or one spot of blood. I just went to sleep. They came back about half 5 and gave me another pill. An hour passed then I finally started to bleed. I really wanted Dave to come and see me because I’d been on my own all day. He dropped Ollie off at my moms and sat with me for a few hours. I was in really bad pain by the time he got there. I was on gas and air and painkillers. I think it was worse than labour. I think it was probably psychologically worse pain. I just kept saying it’s not worth it, it’s not worth the pain, I was just cramping for a horrible reason. I was having contractions with Ollie for two days before I had any gas and air but it was worth it with every breath I just thought he’s closer to being born! I think the adrenaline keeps you going and sort of masks the pain, my labour with Ollie was easier than this miscarriage. Dave stayed with me until his parking ticket ran out, as he was about to leave, this was just after 11.30pm, I went really lightheaded, got pins and needles, saw green flashing lights and practically passed out just kinda fell to the floor and sat there for a while. I said I needed the toilet so Dave helped me up and then left. I went to the toilet and without getting too graphic I’ll just say, I had a miscarriage. I instantly felt well again. I called the nurses and said I felt ok to go home so Dave came back, we packed my stuff and the nurses brought all my paperwork then I started getting severe cramps again and just needed gas and air. They said it’s probably best if I stay overnight because the placenta hadn’t come out yet so I will be cramping until it passes. Dave left to go and pick Ollie up and I stayed.

I had a really rough night. I couldn’t sleep, I was just getting really strong cramps, so different to contractions, contractions had a sort of squeeze/ release feel – anyone that’s given birth will know what I mean. In the gaps between contractions everything is normal and then you’re like, oh here comes another round, squeeze/ release and back to normal. This was just a constant pressure, there was no release. The best way I can describe it is severe constipation. A constant feeling of pressure that something is just sitting there that won’t come out accompanied with horrible cramps. So painful. At one point I asked if my gas and air was working because it just stopped helping. Then they drugged me up with several different pain killers and I eventually went to sleep after 4am. I woke up about 7am feeling much better but lying in a puddle of blood. I was still cramping but nowhere near as severe as during the night. I asked if I could go home because it was my birthday! They let me go and just said be prepared to pass the placenta at some point and that I will keep bleeding and cramping for at least two weeks. For the first time in my life I have a… Wait for it…. Sick note! I haven’t been unemployed for a single day since I left school and this is my first sick note in 12 years! I’m written off for two weeks and been told to just take it easy and get a lot of rest. I went home about midday on the Sunday. 26 hours later, not the 6 hours that they originally estimated. I love overstaying at that hospital!

I was still in pain at home, I had to sit on my side I couldn’t relax with the pressure if I just sat up normally. I’m pretty sure the placenta passed on the evening, I went to the toilet and basically screamed in pain. Then instantly felt better like I did in the hospital. I’m writing this on Monday 22nd. I feel much better but still having cramps and bleeding. The whole experience feels a bit surreal. It’s really weird because I know it would be acceptable if I’m overly emotional but I also know it won’t achieve anything. It’s also really hard to be sad when I look at Ollie’s little face. I’m so sad to have lost my little baby but I’m so lucky to have my beautiful little boy. I just feel so sorry for people that suffer from miscarriage before they have a baby.
(Two weeks after originally writing this, I feel almost normal. I’m getting a lot of headaches but I don’t know if that is linked.)

I know this has been a long, very personal blog so thanks for reading. I’ve tried not to be too graphic. I wasn’t sure if I should share but these are my reasons for sharing…

1. If you’re in the first trimester (well, any trimester!) trust yourself. You know your body. If something smells or looks different, get checked out!
2. Can everyone stop this bullshit, sensitising what we post on our own personal walls, blogs whatever! Nobody asked you to read about your ‘friends’ lives. If you can’t be happy for someone, it’s your problem. If you can’t think before you speak/ type and write nasty comments, that’s your problem. It’s not anyone else’s fault if you can’t process information in a mature, logical manner. From somebody that has experienced a happy pregnancy and a sad pregnancy, I’m secure enough about my own life to be able to process other people’s lives. I am not offended by baby pictures and do not expect anybody to be offended by mine.
3. I wasn’t wrong to post a lot of photos in the first week. It’s not my fault if you choose to look. If somebody had a miscarriage that week, I’m sorry for your loss but it doesn’t mean I should hide my baby from the world and my actual friends that like looking. Be proud of your babies! Post as many pictures as you like, your true friends want to see them!
4. Miscarriage is very common. In most cases it’s just unlucky. It wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. There’s no reason why I can’t get pregnant again.
5. I was safe to be pregnant so soon after Ollie. I asked several real doctors and they said it was perfectly safe, my body is obviously able to get pregnant. So if any of you Dr Google’s out there are reading this and thinking you know best… You don’t!
6. If anyone else has been through this or about to go through this, you’re not alone. It’s awful but it doesn’t last forever. If you’re scared about anything feel free to ask me anything, even if you don’t know me and you’ve just found my blog. Don’t go through it on your own.
7. I stand by all my previous blogs where I’ve stated I hate pregnant women. I don’t mean I hate women because they’re pregnant, I mean I hate it when women Google ‘pregnancy symptoms’ and then decide that they have every single one, update all social media moaning that they’re fat, their arse aches, spotty face, cramps in their legs, severe headaches. Stop being ungrateful, appreciate your baby. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing. I was lucky with Ollie, I had an easy pregnancy or maybe I just handled my pregnancy well. But I would take all of your headaches, backaches, sickness, fatness, whatever else I hear women moan about for my baby to still have its little heartbeat.

Please don’t read this and think you have to feel sorry for me. I haven’t written this for sympathy, I want to share my story to help people if I can as it seems to be a taboo subject for some reason. No one has really asked me about it. I really hope I’ve got this message across – If you have kids… Show them off and be proud! Don’t care about the hateful people. There’s no such thing as too many photos! Your kids will love looking at them when they’re older.

If anyone would like more information about miscarriage, this is a good website:
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

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