The Ghost of a Miscarriage

As you may already know, I don’t believe in anything. Religion, star signs, luck, ghosts… Whatever. All bullshit!

So most people are surprised (or disappointed) to find out that I believe in dream theories. I loved studying dream theories in Psychology and I believe that dreams have significance.

The simple difference between dreams and all the other BS is that dreams are actually in your head. It is your own subconscious mind. Not some old woman on Blackpool pier cold reading. Not Mystic Meg writing Barnum statements in a magazine. Not a cult ‘bowing to a cup’ (my nephews view on mass). It’s actually in your own mind so I cannot just dismiss my own mind.

There are two main avenues of dream theory and I believe both have credibility.

1. You are simply downloading your day. At the end of the day all of your learnings and activities are downloaded to your internal hard drive (aka long term memory) via dreams.

2. Symbolism. This is my favourite because it allows for immense overthinking. Dreams are latent manifestations of your inner most fears and desires.

You can actually ‘psychic’ read people based on their dreams as they often reveal things unknowingly!

I believe dreams are a combination of the two theories. I think we do download but within the transfer there are symbols that reveal our inner most thoughts. For example, you dream you’re with an old school friend on an aeroplane. You dream of the friend because you were looking at their Facebook photos before bed (download) but haven’t flown anywhere so the plane represents a problem that you are hoping to overcome. Now if you want to get inside my head, I would then consider the significance of that friend over everyone I’d seen that day and if they’re somehow linked to the obstacle…

Anyway, that was just the intro to the main point.

I keep dreaming about ghosts. I wake up semi believing in ghosts. (Ridiculous, I know!) The fact that I absolutely do not believe indicates that there is no download going on here. I’m not saving some haunted adventure to my VLTM, this is obviously a repressed something.

Pretty obvious when you think about it. It’s my baby. I’m dreaming on ghosts because basically I’m being ‘haunted’ by my own repressed fears.

I’m scared to be pregnant again. We’re on double contraception!

I often think, I’ve got Ollie. I don’t need another baby.

The textbook meaning is ‘something that is no longer attainable or within reach’. Now that my due date has passed its as if I am meant to just leave it in the past or something. But it’s not that simple.

Dave says it is confirmation bias and I just align the meanings to suit what it fits in my life. I get his point but my counter argument is why does my brain know to pick that symbol or that Barnum statement? I also accept that one of the main criticisms of dream theory is that it is reliant on the dreamers recollection. So we have no way of knowing if what somebody says they saw in a dream is actually true. Unless you’ve memorised an entire dream dictionary cover to cover then a. Why does your brain pick certain symbols in a dream? and b. Why would you lie? If you were secretly aware of the symbols you could in theory ‘make’ yourself dream of that to give yourself the meaning you desire but this is why I say I’m an over thinker most people don’t overthink a theory and overthink the criticism and analyse them further but welcome to my head!

I think I’m quite good at moving on and getting on with my life but it doesn’t mean my baby is just done with now. She’s still part of my thoughts everyday.

I am haunted (in the none bullshit, metaphorical sense of the word) some nights I go to bed and when I close my eyes I just see the scan room. That screen that was still and silent.

It’s not a conscious image, I don’t try and picture it. Sometimes it’s just there.

I am ok, I am coping with life. The reason I’m sharing this is because miscarriage doesn’t disappear.

I suppose this is why people believe in ghosts. It’s because they can’t accept that their loved ones have gone. This story is proof that ghosts aren’t real. I would be seeing the ghost of my baby otherwise. Seeing ghosts is a way of processing grief. Obviously I’m not seeing my ghost but why not? She did die. Well, it would be completely illogical, bordering on deluded to claim there was a 21 week foetus crawling around wouldn’t it? Yet people think it’s mentally stable to say their dead Nan is sitting at the table‽

It’s just a way to process grief when people are struggling to accept someone has gone.

My dream brain is seeing ghosts which makes a lot more sense than claiming a sane, conscious brain sees dead people.

I might be going on a bit but the point is

1. I like dream theory and could talk about it all day.

2. My baby is harbouring repressed emotions because miscarriage doesn’t just go away. That’s what I want to get across.

I am capable of living a normal life, I don’t need counselling and I don’t need to constantly talk about it. I guess I want people to know that basically there’s no getting over it. It is like a haunting. This feeling that something is always hovering over you but you can’t see it or touch it and if you keep going on about it people will start to think you’ve gone mad. So it just becomes accepted as part of your life now.