When we got married in April I did a speech and the theme of the speech was ‘My Greatest Hits’. I’m a retro girl so I had vinyl props. It was basically a thank you speech to my closest friends and family and how they’ve formed the soundtrack to my life.
Each person had a framed record of a song that represents my relationship with them. I had 10 special people to thank so it was my top 10 and then Ollie was my bonus track.
Tomorrow (Wednesday 21st September 2016) is Stevie’s ‘birthday’. It was the day I gave birth but as you all know, she was a 21 week miscarriage baby.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe in being miserable every year. I don’t understand why you’d sit around and choose to be miserable for one day per year. You know when people post ‘GBNF two years today RIP Nan.’ Or ‘he would’ve been 80 today…’ I can’t do that, obviously you always think of your loved ones on key dates but I can’t choose to be miserable about it. And the thing is, when elderly people die… They’ve had a life! When I think of my Nan I look back and laugh at all the fun times I had. I don’t sit here crying because she would’ve been 95 this year.
There is literally nothing positive about miscarriage. When older people die you can be positive about memories and achievements but miscarriage… Nothing!
When people say, “Oh but if you hadn’t miscarried you wouldn’t have (insert name of rainbow baby).” This is such an ignorant bullshit comment to make and people with that mentality are just thick.
This is an equivalent scenario… Imagine your dad died when you were young. You were gutted, heartbroken as would be expected. Then your mom met a wonderful new man, you couldn’t fault him and he is like a dad to you. Can you imagine if when telling people about your wonderful stepdad, their response was, “Well it’s for the best that your dad died then or you would never have had him!” That’s basically what the “everything happens for a reason” bullshit miscarriage comment is!
It doesn’t matter if I go on to have 5 wonderful healthy babies! It will never be “for the best” or “for a reason” that Stevie died! It will just forever be a horrible, haunting day. Same applies to my first miscarriage baby Tutu but people are even more dismissive and ignorant about first trimester! “Not a real baby.” When you’ve squeezed a tiny baby out down the toilet, come back and reassess your opinion please!
However, as I started this by saying I don’t want to be miserable, I’ll move on to my final point.
Stevie is one of my greatest hits. And you know what her song is…
She is still going to be classed as one of my greatest hits because;
I had a little girl. I’ve never made any secret about the fact that I want a girl and I had one. So she still counts! If anyone ever asks if I want to “try for a girl” my answer will be, “I had one, she’s in the graveyard at the top of my road.”
She made me stand up for myself. A few things have happened to me where I have stood up and made a fuss and I don’t think I would’ve done it if not for Stevie. We’re all guilty of letting stuff go and being a bit of a pushover at work or whatever but since Stevie I have this voice that won’t shut up. Don’t be surprised if I become a Family Rights Campaigner in future!
#misCOURAGE I freely speak about miscarriage and don’t worry if somebody might feel awkward. Women need to speak up because otherwise we’re the ones sitting there feeling awkward when a colleague is whinging about how fat (pregnant) they are. Maybe miscarriage mommas could teach mommas to be more grateful and more considerate.
So there you go, that is a true testament to my character. The most miserable thing that’s ever happened to me is being recorded as a greatest hit.
My Girl Stevie.
Wedding photography is by the amazing Ed Brown Photography.
The bottom picture is Reckless performing My Girl for us at our wedding.