I am Wonder Woman…

…Am I Wonder Woman?

When I was 18 I had an alter-ego character ‘Flick’ when I was at work I was an 80s loving retro cool girl who was always dancing and acting mental. I loved Wonder Woman (I find it easy to identify with strong female characters haha) and was very excited when my boss somehow got the Wonder Woman theme tune as my ringtone on my Motorola Razr! 

I was young at the time and didn’t stop to think that one day I might actually become Wonder Woman. My friend often refers to me as Wonder Woman after all the dramatic events in my life.

People often ask me how I cope or why I went back to work and sometimes I have to stop and think why and how am I doing certain things. 

A quick timeline of events over the past 18 months:

  • July 2014, Ollie is born. I nearly died from c section infection.
  • September 2014, returned to work.
  • December 2014, miscarried at 10 weeks and signed off work. (This was on my birthday.)
  • January 2015, returned to work before my sick leave was over.
  • May 2015, pregnant again!
  • September 2015, miscarried at 21 weeks. Signed off work but kept going in anyway!
  • December 2015, I get the post Mortem results on the exact day I found out I’d miscarried last year. Just a few days before my 30th birthday.
This was our onesie day after my first miscarriage... Check out the onesie!
This was our onesie day after my first miscarriage… Check out the onesie!

That’s only the brief version but I think you’ll agree I’ve dealt with a lot of problems. The answer to how I cope, sometimes I’m not really sure.

Sometimes I think maybe I am Wonder Woman and I can just fight off anything that comes my way. Other times I think it’s not me, it’s every one else! What if I’m not doing anything spectacular and actually it’s more a case of, everyone else can’t cope and needs to Wonder WoMAN up?

I think I’ve always been a strong character but I think what really toughens anyone up is having your worst nightmare come true. Think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, if that actually happened and you came out on the other side… You can deal with anything!

I’ve had a few nightmares become reality and I think that’s why I’m strong. The first one was breaking up with my first boyfriend I always thought if that ever happened I’d never cope. I’d just want to die or run away. It did happen and ok, I did run away. I physically ran away. (I went to the beach once a month for a year.) And I emotionally ran away. It took me years to settle down with Dave. It was Ollie that saved me. I lost 2 stone after that break up and I was an emotional mess for quite some time.

Then the year after the break up, my nan died. I’d never had anyone that I was really close to die before and I thought I’d never cope. But I did. I got through my reading at her funeral and I made sure I got her tub of buttons! I got my ears pierced and I dealt with it. If you’re wondering why I got my ears pierced at the age of 27 it was so I could wear my Nan’s earrings. I have a childhood memory of sitting on the arm of her chair messing with her studs, yes while they were in her ears. What an annoying little child!

I won’t go into great deal because everything is fine now but before me and Dave were together properly it wasn’t all hearts and flowers. We had sad times.

Then we finally settled down got our house, Ollie and things were good. Then I had a first trimester miscarriage. That was over quickly and I thought I could take all the bad feelings away if I got pregnant again…

Then it was even worse. When they told me I had to give birth to Stevie I just cried and said, “I don’t want to!”

I wanted surgery but it wasn’t safe. The anticipation of what would happen giving birth to a dead baby, it was awful. It was worse than all of my previous nightmares. I didn’t know how I’d do it. But I did. It was obviously awful but not as bad as I’d imagined. Still, I coped and I’m ok.

The thing is when you’ve been through real shit, actual shit not Flicks problems where they don’t have shoes in my size or my friend didn’t pay her share of the round. Real problems. When you lived through real heartbreaking stuff, you don’t get weaker each time. You get stronger and stronger as each day goes by and each nightmare comes true.

That’s the only way.

It’s often the anticipation that’s the scariest part. What will become of me if I’m single? If somebody dies? Etc but the reality of it is perhaps easier to cope with because it’s actually happening.

I can get lost for hours in my own head drawing up scenarios and alternate universe events. What would have happened if Biff never got his hands on the sports almanac… (80s girl) Nevermind all that because it’s the reality that is the true test, not the imaginary what ifs! My reality may have been harsh to me but it’s actually happened. I’m ok. I’m not pregnant fearing the worst because I’ve experienced the worst.

So next time you see somebody being strong at weak times, don’t wonder how they cope. Wonder what else they’ve coped with to get them there.

“All the world is waiting for you and the power you possess…”