The other day I posted about Gender Old Wives Tales and how it’s all rubbish because the chances are 50/50.
I said that I had no feelings either way and the reason I had no feeling was because I didn’t secretly want a boy or a girl. I just wanted a heartbeat.
When moms have strong feelings towards a certain gender I think it’s just because that’s what they secretly want. (Or because they have a strong scientific reason to believe either way.)
My baby didn’t have a heartbeat.
I went into the room and when my baby came up on the screen he said, “have you had any bleeding during this pregnancy?” I said no. He said, “have you taken any medication?” I said no. I knew why he was asking because I know where the heartbeat should be! I said there’s no heartbeat is there? And he said he can’t find one and he had to get a second opinion.
I was just saying, “it’s not moving! Ollie was doing backflips!” Nothing was going on. It was just still. Ollie wouldn’t sit still he was a crazy baby.
I’m 21 weeks this time. Why has this happened to me? They said its measuring about 16 weeks but I said that’s wrong. I saw my midwife when I was nearly 17 weeks and everything was fine. Baby was 157bpm and kicking around. So I know it’s at least 17 weeks if not more. They said they can’t always get an accurate measure when it’s still as it curls up and can start to shrink. I think I’m at least 20 weeks. I haven’t had any cramps or anything. Surely my body would have reacted if I’ve had a dead baby in me for 3-4 weeks!
The only weird thing that’s happened to me and made me worry was I scoffed a big bag of chocolate earlier this week and I’ve been completely off chocolate and I did wonder why I suddenly felt like eating so much chocolate but didn’t think it was worth getting worked up over.
So now I have a fully formed dead baby in me and the safest option ‘for my life’ as they put it is… To give birth to it. Why do I have to give birth. Giving birth is for getting babies. I’m just going to go through all that for nothing.
I said I wanted surgery but they said its really not safe for me. They said they will do it if I want but it would risk my life. Great. Who would have thought risk dying or give birth would be something I’d ever consider? I’m actually leaning towards risk my life, I don’t want to give birth. I’m not scared of labour and I’m good with pain but this is just pain for nothing. Ollies little face and my engagement ring makes me want to stay alive.
They said they can’t do a C-section because the baby is too small so they’d have to make an another incision, not my c-section scar and I’d be at very high risk of uterine rupture and future pregnancies would not be safe.
And it’s too big for vaginal surgery where they basically vacuum it out! She said they’d have to break the baby up to get it out. Pretty grim to think about really.
I just really don’t want to give birth to it. It’s not worth it. All the drama with Ollie was worth it and I’d do it all again to get him but what’s the point in this really?
I’m going back to hospital today for the nightmare to begin. I’ll keep writing as it’s the only thing that chills me out and helps me make sense of everything.