It’s Just not Fair!

The other day I posted about Gender Old Wives Tales and how it’s all rubbish because the chances are 50/50.

I said that I had no feelings either way and the reason I had no feeling was because I didn’t secretly want a boy or a girl. I just wanted a heartbeat.

When moms have strong feelings towards a certain gender I think it’s just because that’s what they secretly want. (Or because they have a strong scientific reason to believe either way.)

My baby didn’t have a heartbeat.

I went into the room and when my baby came up on the screen he said, “have you had any bleeding during this pregnancy?” I said no. He said, “have you taken any medication?” I said no. I knew why he was asking because I know where the heartbeat should be! I said there’s no heartbeat is there? And he said he can’t find one and he had to get a second opinion.

I was just saying, “it’s not moving! Ollie was doing backflips!” Nothing was going on. It was just still. Ollie wouldn’t sit still he was a crazy baby. 

I’m 21 weeks this time. Why has this happened to me? They said its measuring about 16 weeks but I said that’s wrong. I saw my midwife when I was nearly 17 weeks and everything was fine. Baby was 157bpm and kicking around. So I know it’s at least 17 weeks if not more. They said they can’t always get an accurate measure when it’s still as it curls up and can start to shrink. I think I’m at least 20 weeks. I haven’t had any cramps or anything. Surely my body would have reacted if I’ve had a dead baby in me for 3-4 weeks! 

The only weird thing that’s happened to me and made me worry was I scoffed a big bag of chocolate earlier this week and I’ve been completely off chocolate and I did wonder why I suddenly felt like eating so much chocolate but didn’t think it was worth getting worked up over. 

So now I have a fully formed dead baby in me and the safest option ‘for my life’ as they put it is… To give birth to it. Why do I have to give birth. Giving birth is for getting babies. I’m just going to go through all that for nothing. 

I said I wanted surgery but they said its really not safe for me. They said they will do it if I want but it would risk my life. Great. Who would have thought risk dying or give birth would be something I’d ever consider? I’m actually leaning towards risk my life, I don’t want to give birth. I’m not scared of labour and I’m good with pain but this is just pain for nothing. Ollies little face and my engagement ring makes me want to stay alive. 

They said they can’t do a C-section because the baby is too small so they’d have to make an another incision, not my c-section scar and I’d be at very high risk of uterine rupture and future pregnancies would not be safe.

And it’s too big for vaginal surgery where they basically vacuum it out! She said they’d have to break the baby up to get it out. Pretty grim to think about really. 

I just really don’t want to give birth to it. It’s not worth it. All the drama with Ollie was worth it and I’d do it all again to get him but what’s the point in this really? 

I’m going back to hospital today for the nightmare to begin. I’ll keep writing as it’s the only thing that chills me out and helps me make sense of everything. 

  • KT Reekie

    I’m so sorry. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better or take it away and you are right. It’s not fair at all. I hope that what you need to have done happens as fast and as easily as it can and that the staff look after you and help you! I’ve had losses but not at this stage so cannot imagine how hard this must be!

  • Tori Gabriel

    Oh honey. I am so so so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better but I can’t. I’m in tears reading this. I just….I can’t….I’m just really sorry.

  • Kerry Shaw

    Thinking of what you are going through right now is unbearable! I have no clue what to say to u but your amazing, brave and strong! God bless you x x x

  • I am so very sorry , I have tears in my eyes reading this. I have been through the heartache of losing a baby and am getting ready to write about it during baby loss week in October. Please give yourself time to grieve and please contact me if you would like to talk, rant or anything. Am thinking of you xx

  • Chilling with Lucas

    I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, my thoughts and prayers are with you xxx

  • I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. So sorry for your loss. I wish I had words to help ease the pain. Xxxx

  • I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Life is not fair and its cruel heart took your little baby away from you before its life could even begin. If you ever need to talk to someone I am here. It doesn’t matter that we are complete strangers I just want to let you know that you are not alone x
    Here is my email if you ever want to chat x

  • dominika

    I am so sorry, stay strong!

  • Steffii Troubetas

    This is so heart breaking. I know there are no words that could possibly comfort you write now and can’t imagine the anguish you are going through. You have amazing strength. R.i.p to your beautiful angel.

  • veena hussain

    I’m very sorry..I have no words to say. None of my words will make you feel better. Just wanted to say strong.

  • Eileen Murphy Kelly

    I had to compose myself to even attempt to get thoughts together! I cannot help or change anything , however, my thoughts and prayers are with you! I truly wish I could help you! xo

  • I’m so sorry to hear this…. It’s so heartbreaking! I don’t know what to say, having tried miscarriage myself felt so devastating. Again, I’m so sorry!

  • Sam Kersley

    I’m so sorry to hear this, life can be so f***ing cruel. No body deserve’s this. I can only imagine what your going through and I went through a ruptured ectopic pregnancy with internal bleeding and lost my tube and then had a miscarriage months later. But I couldn’t begin to imagine how hard it would be to have to give birth and not have a baby at the end of it. My thought’s are with you at this awful time. Stay strong we’re all with you supporting you. xx

  • Nathalie Dyson-Coope

    Oh Hun, I’m so sorry! There are no words to make you feel better, but little Ollie will help you in so many ways! I lost 2 babies, one through a very late ruptured ectopic which I almost didn’t survive, and really struggled with dealing with other people! My little girl was the most wonderful, perfect distraction. She knew something wasn’t right, and her gentle cuddles meant the world! Don’t ever give up hope, just 6 weeks after major surgery following the ectopic (where I lost all of my right side of tube, ovary etc) I fell pregnant with my miracle rainbow baby, who’s about to turn 4! Hope is what will get you through, that and taking as much time out as you need for you! Quite literally, sod everyone else! Big big hugs and sending lots of strength xxxx

  • Emma Lambert

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through right now x

  • Chel Williams

    I can’t even begin to think what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.