Miscarriage: Alone.

I read a lot of stories about miscarriage by other women and a reoccurring theme is the feeling of loneliness.  Pretty much every story that I’ve read talks about how lonely they feel and it is a feeling I can relate to.  I feel alone with my miscarriages and I feel guilty for feeling that way because I do have people that are there for me but its a different kind of loneliness.

I don’t feel that I have nobody to turn to, its more a feeling of isolation because nobody knew my baby and nobody ever will.  Even other women going through the same thing never had my baby.  My baby that would have become a unique little person was different to the little person that another lady’s baby would have become.  It’s just not the same.

When a person dies everyone recalls that person and talks about how they remember them.  With a miscarriage, nobody can do that.  So it that sense, you are alone.  I can recall seeing her little nose on the 12 week scan and knowing she was going to look like me because she had a pointy nose and Ollie had a round nose like Dave.

I remember that she made me hate chocolate.  She used to kick me when I was getting Ollie to sleep and I used to laugh and say, “Fighting already kids?”  I knew my little baby even though she wasn’t a ‘person’ yet.  When my Nan died we could all sit around laughing about when she used to throw trays on the floor to make everyone jump.  I can’t sit around saying, “Aww remember when she made me crave chicken korma!” Because that was my internal feelings and my body changing for her.

My miscarriages have changed a lot of things for a lot of people but it changed me.  Being pregnant changes you.  I’m not a different person, the core of me is still that same as 7 year old me but when I was pregnant with Ollie I scoffed chicken after being veggie for 16 years, my hair fell out and I discovered who my true friends are.  Being a mother creates unexpected, involuntary changes.  You become an updated version of yourself.

After a miscarriage, part of you has gone which is why loneliness is such a common feeling because it’s a part of you that nobody knew.  With my first miscarriage nobody even knew I was pregnant so it was even more isolated.

I think my mom understands the most because I suppose she’s the only person that ‘met’ little Stevie and because I’m her baby if a part of me has gone then I think a part of her has gone too.  I think she feels a similar loneliness because we both went through different things that we can’t explain to anyone else.

Even though Stevie was a niece, a grand daughter, a cousin, she didn’t exist in that role.  A mom is a mom from the moment they find out they are pregnant but a dad is a dad when the baby is born.  Some dads might argue with me on that but it’s true.  You can’t bond with a bump like a mother does. So by the same logic, she would’ve become a niece or cousin on the day she was born.  She was a daughter the moment I saw her little pointy nose.

I can recall the exact moment I became a Mom, it was January 2014, I was in my bedroom at my Moms and I’d bought a baby heart monitor.  I was 16 weeks pregnant, I’d just been to the doctors and she said I was 6 weeks pregnant because she couldn’t feel anything (I was just skinny) I knew I was 16 weeks.  I didn’t know what to expect from the monitor so I just wiggled it around and then… I was a Mom.  Just like that I heard my little baby and I loved it.  I didn’t even know it was Ollie but whoever it was, I loved it more than anything.  Nobody else can ever have that feeling.

That’s why nobody can really help anyone that’s miscarried.  Pregnancy has lots of isolated feelings but in a healthy pregnancy, it’s a good loneliness because it’s building up to the day where you’ll never be lonely again because you’re going to give birth to a special little friend.

When pregnancy goes wrong, the isolated feelings turn bad.  There is no explanation.  There is no comfort.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t feel guilty if you’re not there for me.  Nobody can be there for me because the little person that was sharing my feelings has gone.  (Well forcing me to have those feelings, I loved chocolate Stevie!  That was all your idea!) All the best friends in the world can’t replace the absence of that little person and that’s why it’s lonely.