I haven’t really felt like writing much lately I think it’s because I’ve been counting down to the stupid day that I get the results of the post mortem for Stevie. Which was conveniently on the exact day that I found out I my first miscarriage. I’ve been wondering what could have been wrong, almost hoping that something was wrong so that I had a reason for losing baby Stevie.
I’ve got two ways to destress, writing and listening to music. I haven’t been writing I’ve been listening to Stevie Wonder. Hence the title (isn’t she lovely). I liked Stevie Wonder anyway and I know it’s sad but I just like seeing the name now!
I went to hospital today and… nothing is wrong. I am perfectly healthy and Stevie was wonderful! A perfectly formed little baby girl with nothing wrong on any of her tests. They said this is the most common outcome for a post mortem. Nobody actually knows what causes miscarriage, it’s just something that happens a lot. Often with no explanation at all.
I think it’s made it worse in a way. I don’t think I want to get pregnant again. It can just happen to anyone with no explanation but it happened to me twice with no explanation. The doctor said it is ok for me to try and get pregnant again, she said I’m physically ready and if I feel emotionally ready there’s no reason to not try again. I hate that, ‘try again’ try and have a baby because you’ve failed twice. Its not my driving test! It’s not bad luck just re-book and take your test again. I don’t want to ‘try’ the thing I loved about being pregnant was how natural and effortless it was.
If I get pregnant again I won’t tell anyone. Nobody knew I was pregnant with Ollie until late, if I get skinny again I’ll be able to have a secret pregnancy. When you have one miscarriage, it’s acceptable to just be a statistic. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, ok fine. When it happens again and nobody can say why, kind of makes me not want to take my chances again.
I asked them if being pregnant so close to Ollie could have contributed and they said no, loads of people have two under 2, its not a big deal. I asked if it was because of my section and they said no, it’s wouldn’t have affected the baby it’s for the mothers health that they advise waiting because the scar can open. My midwife said I should wait before getting pregnant again as it’s less likely to happen again with a bigger gap.
I keep thinking, I must be an extremely mentally stable person. I feel like a should be depressed. I’m going over this in my head… This time last year I just found out I’d lost a baby and had to spend my birthday in hospital giving birth to a tiny baby. A year later I’m going to find out why my second baby died. I think it’s a good job I’m a deep thinker because I can write crap like Choose to be Happy and over think about the science behind miscarriage and how I’d be logical if it happened to somebody else so I should be logical about mine and accept that they weren’t viable pregnancies. My life isn’t depressing really, there are depressing aspects but anybody can say that about their life. When I say I’m ok, I am ok!
I have my own theory about why it happened but they said no, however since they can’t give me an answer and I like to have logic and reason, I’m sticking to my own theory which I can’t write about yet as I might get in trouble. All I’ll say is, I had one correlation in both miscarriages and yes I know, correlation is not causation but since there’s no other explanation I’m blaming the one thing that was consistent both times.
One thing I’ve been saying ever since my first miscarriage is I’m so glad I’ve got Ollie, this would be so much worse if I didn’t have Ollie. I’ve changed my mind. I think it’s worse because I have Ollie. I absolutely LOVE my little Ollie. I was sniffing his sick yesterday, I’ll inspect his poo, kiss his snotty nose… I truly love him he is my perfect little boy and he has shown me how wonderful being a mother is. So I know what I’m missing out on. I know that Stevie would’ve simply amplified these wonderful motherhood feelings and given me another little persons sick to inspect and not even think of it as sick.
If I’d never had a baby, I’d never know how much I’ve missed out on by losing my babies. So no, I don’t think miscarriages would’ve been worse if I didn’t have a baby because I would’ve lost an ideal fantasy not an extended reality.