Are You a Toy Story Mom?

I’ve always been a bit weird and never quite fitted in.  I am very proud of my 19 year old retro car, meanwhile people my age are getting brand new sparkly cars on finance.  When I started working in bars, new team members would ask if I was ‘alright’ because I used to wear crazy costumes and was just generally a bit mental.  When I was at school I loved old music while everyone else was into current bands. To make matters worse I listened to my 80s megamix on a minidisc player when everyone else was getting into ipods and MP3 players. In primary school, everyone liked the Spice Girls, I had to take it to the extreme and become a Spice Girl.  My hair was always in a high pony, I had a transfer tattoo and a fake nose stud and only wore adidas.  I still played with Barbies until I was quite old as well, I won’t say how old… My younger sister knows what went on in the bottom of our wardrobe.

Pessimists might call me weird and an outcast, optimists (like me) refer to me as, ‘keeping it real’ and not conforming to a stereo type which is much better in my opinion.

So its no suprise that I’m a bit of an outcast as a mother too.  I’ve had a few trolls try to start arguments with me online because I have an opinion.  Although I think there is no excuse for online fights and bullying, I do accept that I am not at all conventional so I generally don’t fit in with other mothers.   However, I don’t want to get too political, the point of this intro is just to paint the picture that I’ve never fitted in.

A good test to see whether somebody is my kind of mom is this…

Are You a Toy Story Mom?

When you get to the end of this you’re going to fit into one of two sides.

  1. Yes, you’re right. A complete outcast… what a twat.
  2. OMG another Mom like me… my new BFF.

What I mean by Toy Story mom is, do you secretly believe, on some inner child level, that toys are real. Yeh its a stuffed toy but it’s got a personality! Look at those beady little eyes saying, “Please don’t put me in the loft!” Or worse… the bin! Who the hell bins toys? Haven’t you seen Toy Story 3? They can be passed on to new homes you know!


are toys real
5th birthday… 25th birthday… still getting dolls!


It is a pretty normal thing in my family to give toys a backstory, family members, a unique voice and personality.  I grew up with my own Toy Story mom so I just thought it was normal.  She used to change our dolls clothes and position them somewhere else in the room when we were at school and we really thought (still do a little bit) they had moved by themselves.

I always thought this was a normal thing for parents to do but I realised it isnt when I was at my nephews birthday party a couple of years ago and I sat a toy monkey in the pass the parcel circle and (I’m quite good at toy puppetry) made him join in passing the parcel, clapping, looking at the other kids etc.  this instantly separated the mothers.  A few of the kids smiled and liked it, a few looked at me like I’d lost the plot and felt the need to say, “It’s not real.” First of all, it is a HE! And he is real!


fao schartz nyc
Go on holiday to NY… spent half the trip in toy shops!


Having to choose who got to go on holiday with us was the worst farewell of the year.  “I’m sorry baby Pinky but you’re so small, I don’t want you to get lost.”  That seemed legit to me, hopefully she understood why Pinky got to go on the holidays.  “Goodbye, Jade, Rosy, Flopsy, Rosie (it was a popular name thanks to John and the canal boat) Jemma, Claire, Canary, Michaela, Jo, Mikey… ” Anyone would think I was going off to war, not a week at Haven.

Luckily my Nan always joined in with the ‘toys are real’ belief and often provided bed and breakfast for the toys that got left behind so we would get back from our holiday and often find that she had knitted a new outfit for our dolls, which did aleviate the guilt and probably made the other dolls hope they get left behind next time.


flying with kids
it’s no surprise my sister is also a Toy Story mom.


I have still got my dolls now! I can’t imagine ever having the heart to get rid of them.  Ollie, pay attention when you read this… There are a lot of vintage dolls in our house.  When I die you can either pass these down or get rich.  I’ll leave that moral decision with you.


rainbow brite vintage dolls
Some old favourites…

I am going to be such a Toy Story mom with Ollie and any other kids I have.  Everyone has a name already… Yes I’m refering to the toys as people.  Some toys come with a name already, like Scout and Sophia. Others we had the pleasure of naming.  Ra-ra, squeaky G, squeaky G’s brother, Harry, Mr Snail, Boni, Beni, Jimmy… You get the idea.

What’s the harm in giving your kids an imagination and staying in touch with your inner child at the same time? My life has shown me that the happiest people are those in touch with their inner child.  The ones that will jump in puddles and rolls down hills without getting stressed, nothing bad will happen you’ll just have an extra load of washing but you’ve all had more fun.

toys are real
Ollie’s little friends.

Are you a Toy Story mom? Does every toy have a name or are you counting down the days until you can pack all of them off to the charity shop?

Nine Stupid Things People say to new Moms.

Another silly blog for this week!  I’ve just been thinking about some ridiculous sayings people say to you when you become a Mom.  I didn’t realise how stupid some of these sayings were until I’ve stopped to think about them.  Comment and add your own if you can think of any that I’ve missed.

1. “You look good… For someone who’s had a baby.”
Just stop at you look good. That’s nice! When you add for someone’s who’s had a baby you’re basically saying you look pretty rough but you’re excused because you’ve recently given birth. Or you actually look good and they’re surprised because giving birth is meant to what? Turn us into fat slobs?

Oh yeh, I look amazing...
Oh yeh, I look amazing…
2. “He (the dad) only takes him out to get the girls.”
This was said to me more than an acceptable amount of times in the early days. Several issues arise here:
a. Let’s for a minute assume he is using his infant son to score a one night stand. How is this going to play out? Is Ollie going to go along and sit at the end of the hotel bed? Completely ridiculous thing to say!
b. Let’s more accurately assume that he’s actually NOT using his infant son to find a cheap date. After 3 years of being the worlds worst couple and finally settling down with a mortgage and baby, actually we’re committed to each other. You my friend, need to be committed to a mental home!
c. What on earth makes you think he’d want to cheat on this?

Look at them in their themed t-shirts like they're on some kind of dodgy stag do.
Look at them in their themed t-shirts like they’re on some kind of dodgy stag do.
3. “You’ve got all this to come.”(Referring to their naughty kids)
When I’m innocently sitting or standing in close proximity to a mother with older kids who are playing up and they look at me and look at peaceful little Ollie and say, “You’ve got all this to come.” All what? Why do you assume my baby will grow up to be naughty, if I reversed it and said, “Hope my kid doesn’t grow up to be a little shit!” Or “bet they were lovely when they were little!” That would not be acceptable! It’s not ok to assume that I will struggle to discipline my kid! I apologise 6 years in advance to the innocent new moms that I will inevitably say this to when Ollie has a public strop.

Some older kids are actually really nice!
Some older kids are actually really nice!
4. “You look tired.”
Yeh. That’s because I am. But hey guess what? I don’t mind because curling my hair and putting a face mask on isn’t a priority for me anymore! I’d stay up all night if Ollie needed me to and go to work without brushing my hair or having a wash. As it happens though, he sleeps really well! I’m tired because I’m a wimp and can’t relax with Ollie in his room and I work in a nightclub!

"I am tired!  Less talking, more sleeping!"
“I am tired! Less talking, more sleeping!”
5. “You shouldn’t be back at work!”
Why not? I just say, “you’re very lucky that you’re mortgage free and/or your partner earns enough to support you but we’re still paying our mortgage and I want to give Ollie security.” This usually shuts people up because they either are lucky enough that their partner earns a lot or they’re a “Full time mother” so either way they can afford to be off work. I would love to still be off work but it’s not an option for everybody!

But... How will I collect my awards if I stay home? Haha!
But… How will I collect my awards if I stay home? Haha!
6. “I think he’s hungry/ tired/ wet.”
Refer to “Back seat parenting.” Your snapshot speculation of my babies needs is irrelevant and that isn’t his tired cry, that’s his uncomfortable cry so…

"I'm wet because I've been swimming silly!"
“I’m wet because I’ve been swimming silly!”
7. “It’s different with the second…”
Well durrr. I think I could’ve figured that out. Everything is different second time round!

There more kids the better!
There more kids the better!
8. “He’ll (the baby) be a little heart breaker!”
Just because he’s cute now it doesn’t mean I’m going to let him grow up to be a dirty little player that treats girls like crap! Why is this ok to say about boys? I don’t look at baby girls and say, “Awww she’ll be a right little cock-tease when she’s older!”

Actually... he is mega cute... Maybe you're right... Sorry teenage girls of 2030ish.
Actually… he is mega cute… Maybe you’re right… Sorry teenage girls of 2030ish.
9.  “Sleep when the baby sleeps…”
Yeh thanks for that stupid advice, I missed my stop on the bus the other day and got banned from my local supermarket.  Babies sleep anywhere, anytime you fools!  However, joking aside, it is actually a good idea to sleep when your baby naps, in the comfort of your own home all settled and comfortable!  Especially when they get a routine going, I know roughly what time I can get my blanket ready for a nap in the afternoon!  That one just makes me laugh because you can’t just instantly go to sleep just because your baby is asleep.

We love our afternoon naps!
We love our afternoon naps!
What funny/ annoying things have people said to you as a new mom?

You know you’re a Mom when…

I’ve been thinking about some of the ways I’ve changed since I’ve been a mom so I thought it would be fun to share a few! Feel free to add your own…

1. Your new fragrance is Cow and Gate formula. Spritzed on my wrists morning, noon and night! Bye bye Hugo Boss.

2. A bargain is Pampers at £3.50 not half price shoes! (Genuine price in my local shop!)

3. When you go swimming, you don’t actually go swimming!

4. You check if there’s space for you to get on when the bus pulls up… Even when you’re on your own!

5. Loads more people speak to you but don’t actually know your name, hello “Oliver’s mom.”

6. Words are often said twice for no apparent reason. “I think you’ve done a wee wee!” “Do you want mom mom?”

7. You’re willing to spend more money on a pram than you are on a car. And you’re a pram bitch. 1. You don’t care about driving into people, hey you stopped in a doorway twatbag! 2. You’re more likely to bitch about what pram someone has than what outfit they wear…

8. Your handbag is a changing bag with a purse in it… Or your handbag is full of wipes, bottles and nappies with a purse squeezed in.

9. This is the biggest stress of your day… Why is somebody ALWAYS in the baby change room? Why do they take 15 mins when I take 3? And why oh why are you in there with a FOUR year old that doesn’t even fit on the mat, why isn’t she trained by now?

10. Baby wipe around my face counts as a morning wash right?

I submitted this post to Metro blogs and they liked it! They asked me to rework it slightly and they published the adjusted version.

Check out my post on Getting Your Blog Published.